Sometimes you come across an idea so phenomenal that you can kick yourself repeatedly for not thinking if it yourself. Parenting’s Stinky Diaper Awards is one of those. There’s been a slew of bad parenting examples on television this year and these awards call ‘em out.

While I wouldn’t wear one of these myself (I’m much to classy), the Creatures would look adorable in it. If we can’t humiliate our children in the name of our childhood fascinations, why did bother having them?

Usually toy recalls are all about safety. Some stray toxic chemicals in the paint and off the shelves it comes. As it should be of course. But what if you’re misunderstanding what the toy is saying? What if instead of singing Jingle Bells that cute toy mouse is singing about pedophilia? I say return that thing for full refund.

So it’s the time of year when the Lovely Wife hands me a list of names that we need to get gifts for. Because it’s the holidays, you understand. We all need to be grateful. I was expecting to see seven or eight names. Ten at the most. I almost lost it when I saw fifteen. I understand giving a gift card to the Creature’s primary teachers, but is it necessary to give to the newly hired music teacher who has a once a week group session at my daughter’s daycare? It’s not that I mind tipping. I can only think of one time I withheld a gratuity in a restaurant (due to especially horrible service). I understand wait-staff are paid low wages and the fifteen to twenty percent extra goes to paying their rent so they can continue to go on auditions. Its just that it feels like we’re supposed to throw money at anyone we come into contact with. Truly ridiculous. 

Basically I’m going to do my damndest to shrink the list down to ten.

Creature Two is being inexplicable drawn toward the world of Disney Princess despite our best intentions. She claims that Cinderella is her favorite Princess even though she’s never seen the movie. I suppose she’s picking some of it up at school, but I’m worried Disney has put something in the water. If anyone’s got the resources to contaminate every reservoir in the country with a magic elixir it would be the mouse.

These have to be the cutest, most inspired costumes I’ve ever seen. If my Creatures were smaller one of them would be stuck being Darth Vader whether they liked it or not. And look at that Leia wig… tell me you can resist. I dare you.

Not to harp too much on the under talented foursome of the Fresh Beats (formerly the Jumparounds), but a funny thing happened earlier. I picked up Creature One at school and Wham’s Wake Me Up Before You Go Go came on the radio. Sue me, I was listening to the light rock channel. From the back seat he asked, “Is this the Fresh Beats?”

I have to wonder if their coporate masters would think it was a compliment.

In ten or so years I expect Creature One to come to me, with his hand out, and say “Hey old man. Can I have a car?” Once I’m done laughing, I’ll take him into the garage, pull the dusty cover off a twenty-year-old Camry and say, “It’s all yours if you can get it running.” Of course I’d laugh even more then knowing that mechanical acumen does not run in the family.

The thought of either of the Creatures behind the wheel of any vehicle is terrifying in ways  I can’t quantify. This article doesn’t help. Maybe I’ll just hold onto the Camry a bit longer.

Noggin has become Nick Jr. in what I assume is a branding move. The Creatures are so confused.

The Fresh Beats Nick Jr.

For months I, and the Creatures, were subjected to ads for the Jumparounds, a saccharine foursome  only a toddler could love. There was no indication whether they were part of a new show or just some filler Noggin had thrown together to the determent of society. But then they reappeared on sister station Nick as the Fresh Beats.

The foursome are Marini, Kiki, Twist, and of course, Shout. Two boys and two girls to keep up the symmetry usually seen in a kids show. It’s hard for me to honestly criticize singing and dancing because I generally have no skill in either. But I’m not that impressed. Its telling when the background dancers are obviously more talented. Once Nick/Noggin starts advertising the Fresh Beats stage show coming soon to a city near you, I’m going to have to change the channel before the Creatures get any ideas. I shiver at the thought of all the branded plastic instruments that will inevitably be churned out of the factories of China fill local toy stores.

This is the kind of get up and dance show that plugs into a kid’s psyche and Creature Two is fully hooked already. While it’s fun watching her boogie down enthusiastically, I wish she had better taste. my fault I suppose. All in all I suppose it isnt a horrible show, it just lacks any real imagination. As it was created in a boardroom by a bunch of men who were paying too much attention to demographics.